Monday, October 29, 2007

Is it the Loneliest Number since the number one?

Many transracial adoptees have said that one thing their parents could have done for them was to adopt again, a person of the same race, able to share the experiences of being adopted and being a person of color in an otherwise white family.

Many thoughtful adoptive parents have said that if they knew what they know now when they adopted, they would have been far more ambivalent about adoption (whether domestic or international, newborn or older child).

Many people have told me that one is fun, two is ten, now that I have two (but as I've said before, they didn't tell me BEFORE). They say (these parents of more than two) that we would be crazy to have three. And that they love their third child madly.

One of my best friends, a black woman raised by her white mother, felt strongly that Miss I should not be the only black person in her household. The same friend now says that Miss I might just be better off the baby, even if that means she'd be the only black person in the fam. She wonders if the Divine Miss I, a diva, would ever thank us for bringing a competitor home.

Adoption raises so many tough questions from the ethical to the practical, and the ones that are weighing on us heavily right now involve the imaginary A. What's more important -- Sharing the experience of being a transracial adoptee or avoiding dethronement? Is it personality dependent? Would a third sibling kill her or mellow her out just a little bit? Would she put a third sibling down the laundry chute? Should a kid really dictate her family's construction? We did consider ds's personality and needs very seriously when we chose to adopt and to adopt a toddler, but this is different: You, Miss I, are the reason we didn't have any more children. What does that say? But every family eventually has a baby, a child who made them sure they couldn't do it again.

And of course there is always the issue of generating demand, but a young baby? We don't feel Miss I could handle similar attachment difficulties to the ones we faced with her. If another child were to be glued to my hip, to be screaming for fifty minutes, she'd regress, whether this happened next year or the year after or . . . It'd be very destabilizing for her to experience someone else's grief in that way. But we also know we don't want to participate in increasing the demand (Ethiopia's wait times are stretching out even as the government approves more and more agencies for work there).

Little Bun's solution: A four year old boy from Vietnam -- fun for him, no competition for Miss I. Even he is aware of her divine-ness and he'd never have to "go through the terrible twos" again. He's so wise (though we didn't tell him that a four year old boy would also have extraordinary grief and there's no way of predicting what that would look like).

Our plan for the moment: Keep watching waiting child lists, think about finishing a homestudy update just incase, be prepared to remain a family of four or bring home a waiting child, and realize that whatever we do our children will tell us when they are grown that we've kind of screwed them up.

Our plan for the future: Realize that our plans always change.

On Colorblindness

When our extended family is together, it's just as likely for an aunt or an uncle to be caring for a child as it is for his mom or dad to be holding him. This is precisely what was happening the other day: I was carrying my nephew wrapped in a towel, legs dangling loosely below, while my sister watched as Miss I splashed in the tub.
Brother-in-law saw the towel/legs I had in my arms and asked "Is that yours or mine?"
"Yours," I answered matter-of-factly. "Mine's black."

I know "love is colorblind" is a detrimental family mentality, but in his case -- I really think he might be color blind.

Friday, October 26, 2007

I'll Ask the Questions Here

It's an Orwellian Nightmare. It's . . .

I've been trying to come up with something hyperbolic to exclaim, but nothing could be more horrifying than the real deal, which was a fake.
And if you didn't already know, "Iran is the new Iraq." Splendid.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Love for Sale

At the grocery store the other day, my daughter asked if she could cook dinner when we got home. "You can help me," I replied.
She thought for a moment, and then asked the question that she asks all the time right now: "When I'm big can I cook by myself?"
"Sure, honey."
"When I'm big and I have my own house and I have my own Daddy can I cook by myself?"
"Sure, if you want to." (She means dh).
"When I'm big and I have my own house and my own Daddy and my own babies . . ."
"Can I have my own babies?"
"Sure, I don't see why not."
"Can you buy me my own babies?"
"Honey, we don't buy . . . babies . . ." Only then did I realize we had an audience of a few. Yeah, lady, sure you don't. You don't buy babies. Except that I saw on The View . . .
As I was watching this video I was thinking proudly, "I know the people who made this!" and because of the conference just a bit ago, I know one of them IRL!!! -- and she's fabulous.

Even if I didn't, I would want to share this with you, and I hope you'll pass it -- and the message -- on. And stop by YouTube and leave a comment, too.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Two More MeMes

Erin (Holding Still) and Leisa (an aussieopian family) tagged me for two Memes: For the first, you must choose a word for each letter of your middle name (then you must tag other blogger, one for each letter). The second is a list of tough -- but fun -- questions.


L: Lunch. I pack my son's lunch every morning, and each time I draw a picture on his lunch bag (he brown bags it, considering bringing a lunch bag or box home cumbersome). So far I haven't repeated, but I'm running out of original, doable ideas. I may have to switch to stickers.

E: Education. I learned to read early, probably to keep up with my dad who was dissertating at the time. Miss I is on track to read even earlier!

E: Esoteric. My interests are esoteric, and I know a lot of useless things and big words (see value of education, above :) ).

1. If you could have super powers what would they be and what would you do with them? (Please feel free to be selfish, you do not have to save the world!)

I’ve actually thought about this question a lot over time. For a long time I thought I’d want to be telepathic and maybe telekinetic, but since I’m already a migraineur that stopped seeming like a good idea (Jean Grey and Professor X both have had horrible headaches).
Now I think I would be able to heal people by touch. While I’m impressed that Claire can regenerate, I’d like to be able to share the love. Which is interesting because I just read Perry Moore’s Hero, about a teen struggling to come out as gay and as a hero empowered to heal.

2. Were you to find your self stranded on an island with a CD player…it could happen…what would your top 10 blogger island discs be?

Hmmmm. I’d rather be stranded with an ipod, but then I’d have to list 450 songs for you, so it’s probably better this way. Music I could listen to anytime without tiring of it, music that would cover many moods . . . (for ex, while I love American Idiot, I can’t imagine listening to it over and over while stranded.)

1-3: Simon and Garfunkle Greatest Hits
4: Paul Simon Graceland (no one should be stranded without Paul Simon)
5: The Magnolia Soundtrack
6: Bare Naked Ladies Gordon
7: Some Natalie Merchant
8: U2 The Joshua Tree
9: Something REM. Anything, really.
10: The Into the Woods soundtrack

Music I’d like to strand on an island? Nickleback. Please go away.

3. If you were a smell what would it be?
Erin already said Jasmine tea, but I’d have to say tea too. Only Ginger Peach tea.

4. What bird would you most like to be?
A heron.

5. If you were a bird who’s head would you poo on?
Sarah Silverman. Without hesitation.

6. Are there any foods that your body craves?
Craving isn’t the same as addiction, right? In the latter category, anything with caffeine, unfortunately. In both categories, dark chocolate.

7. What’s your favorite time of year?
My favorite season is fall, but my favorite time is the week immediately after Christmas.

8. What’s your favorite time of day?
3:30, when dd and I walk ds home from school. For the three of us, everything feels right again then. My next favorite time is when dh gets home (which varies).

9. If a rest is as good as a change which would you choose?
I always believe I would choose rest, but in actuality I must always choose change, because I cannot think of a time when our lives haven’t been in flux.

I need to check to see who hasn't been tagged.