Saturday, August 12, 2006

Guilt and More Guilt

It's 10:30 pm. Trying and failing to get her to bed for more than two hours. (Dh is working).

Lost my cool. Cried in front of my kids. Freaked one out, amused the other (guess which was which?).

Can't. do. it.

At least not today.

Does that make me ungrateful?

Am I the only one plagued with guilt about not being grateful enough every time I'm (beyond) frustrated with my daughter? Guilty because I should love her without limits (which would look like not getting frustrated). Guilty because this is what I wanted for so long (and I should love every minute of it). Guilty because she's already had a hard enough life (and she shouldn't have a crazy mother). Guilty because I don't remember being this frustrated with my son (but this doesn't mean I wasn't - though in truth, she is objectively more of a button-pusher than he is, for good reasons, I'm sure). Guilty because families are still waiting for their children, and would give anything to be in my position (they think).

Guiltier because prior to the last eight weeks, my son honestly believed I could do anything. Now he knows that I can't, and it scares him.

Guiltiest because I'm sure her first mother would have done anything just for the chance to be frustrated with her, if only for just one long night, two hours past what is ultimately an arbitrary bedtime anyway.

Damn the attachment people for making me feel like only a bad mother would let a toddler cry it out.

Just once.

2 comments:

lola said...

ok- this may sound mean- who are these attachment people?? Are they really smarter then You? Did you see their degrees? What school did they go to? How many kids did the have? Your child will learn through time that you are there for them- and sometimes you can do more harm by being there too much for them-- You are of no good to them if you are worn and stressed out.

Michelle said...

Becoming a mother does not make you immune to being frustrated! You're still allowed to have those feelings; kids are kids - they are going to try our patience and frustrate us and it's ok...as long as when you are frustrated you are letting her CIO instead of shaking her.

I often have so many of the same feelings - I get so frustrated at Kayla sometimes and most of the time it's not her fault - it's only because she's a toddler! I'm trying to get better about that and better about having more patience.

But we are human beings, we can only take so much and we shouldn't expect to be perfect because we're not. I think as moms we're too hard on ourselves.