Thursday, May 04, 2006

Cinco de Mayo

Five years ago tomorrow (since I'll be too busy at the fiesta to post):

All of the below has already happened now.

I make dh promise that on this child's fifth birthday party, we have a big party. I know we won't be able to afford a great first birthday party and besides, it's the first time I can imagine, in that moment, ever feeling safe again. DH agrees. He doesn't agree to the mariachi band (and we are not having one tomorrow). A little more time passes, and I begin to believe I'm not going to survive, even if ds does. It's probably the sleep deprivation.

A nurse realizes that they gave me that belated and ineffectual epidural without draining my bladder first. Later this will be called "poor service, good technical outcome," and I will hear medical staff discussing my "case," feeling lucky that we brought them "thank you" chocolates and not a law suit.

I finally deliver my son, almost in the hallway. I don't push, and we make it to a delivery room. The room is full. Pediatric rescusitation teams, fellow, resident, dh, me. I think about a dozen people. It's a big, cold room.

Two real pushes. His head is very misshapen, it has been so compressed for so long. I am so weak, I cannot feel my body and for this I am thankful. But I cannot see my son; they've taken him quickly and they've made no move to hand him to me. Then a "thumbs up" from the peds. I miss this, because I'm not wearing my glasses. Someone tells me. Dh accompanies ds to the nursery - I say, "Go, go," and I close my eyes.

I open them again in recovery, and my parents are there. My dad is holding my hand; he tells me he's seen my beautiful baby and that everything is okay. I slip away: I think I've died, but I know this is okay because my baby is okay, and I am profoundly grateful.

Imagine my surprise when I come around a little later. Everything afterwards feels a little like bonus.

Dear son, happy birthday. I could not imagine my life without you! Much much love, Momma.


lola said...

Happy Birthday !!!! Give him hugs from Canada!

Ungrateful Little Bastard said...

haha you must have just updated this - I didn't notice the date until afterwards, although I was puzzling over the 5th of May LOL! It showed up at the top of my reader. I think when you update an older post, Google Reader bumps it up. Well, happy belated 5th birthday and then happy early 6th birthday!!